How to start a conversation when you don’t know anyone
Knowing how to start a conversation is a skill that can open the doors to many avenues.
Whether it be networking for job opportunities, making new friends, gaining advice, or educating yourself, conversation is one of the best ways to achieve all this.
Much to the confusion of those around me, despite being an introverted person, one of the things I love to do is conversating with new people.
And it’s because of all the reasons above. Knowing how to start a conversation has helped me connect with like-minded people on things I am interested in, get advice from those wiser than me, and learn things I never would have looked into myself.
So here’s some tips on how to start that first daunting conversation and keep it going, so that you can make the most out of the experience.
How to start a conversation without being awkward
Prep
If you know you’re going to a space that has loads of people that you’ll have to speak with, prepare yourself beforehand and get into the correct mindset.
Positive affirmations are a great way to hype yourself up before the event. Remind yourself that you are confident in your opinions and you have unique perspectives too.
Think about how you are when you are with the people you feel most comfortable with. Of course, you won’t be 100% yourself, but channel that energy and side of you as best as you can when speaking to new people.
Tell yourself that the experience will be fun and chilled out and is not so serious, and you look forward to listening to others just as much as speaking.
Prepare conversation topics beforehand
Having conversation topics prepared beforehand will help you know how to start a conversation as you’ll already have ideas ready to talk about. This could be about the event itself (e.g. ‘what did you think about…?’ or ‘how are you finding….?’), related to general things most people like to talk about like the news, weather or a new trend. Or if you know things about the people you’re going to see beforehand, questions about themselves (‘how was you trip in…’ or ‘how’s work going?’ etc.).
Use the FORM technique when planning your conversation topics and learning how to start a conversation with someone. FORM is a well know conversational tip that stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation and Mission. People usually lovely to talk about any one of these topics and asking questions related to these four fields will make the conversation flow.
Realistic conversation starters:
Here’s some realistic conversation starters you can use as you brainstorm your conversation topics.
How did you hear about the event?
I wanted to grab some food before going – do you know any good food/ coffee places nearby?
How was your week? What have you been up to?
Any plans this weekend/ summer?
Have you watched or read anything good recently?
What do you like to do in your free time?
Have you heard about [news/ trend]?
What do you do for work? Do you enjoy it?
How do you know — this person?
How are you finding the event?
I really liked —, what do you think of it?
Go to specific events
Going to specific events that are related to things you are interested in will make it easier for you to start a conversation. Combining this point with the one above will give you a multitude of things to talk about, as you will be in a space you are comfortable in and hopefully speaking to receptive people who have similar interests to you and would want to talk to you about these interests.
If you simply don’t have very many general topics to talk about, consider educating yourself on current events and things that may interest you.
For example, a gap that I noticed when joining group conversations were things that were happening on the news (I admit I was bad at keeping up with the news before). Because of that, I spent most of the conversations listening and learning, which is great, but apart from listening and asking questions I couldn’t engage in any other way. Only after learning about current affairs could I finally give my own opinions in the topic, and more importantly, listen and learn better – because I finally knew what everyone was talking about!
Challenge yourself
Likewise, challenge yourself by putting yourself in uncomfortable conversations. This will boost your confidence and make discomfort feel less and less… uncomfortable.
Speak to people different to you, attend a games night where you have to work in teams, attend an event that interests you alone. It doesn’t need to be conversation-related, just anything that slightly pushes you out of your comfort zone. As you get used to the feeling of discomfort, striking up a conversation with someone new will feel less and less difficult.
Fake it
It’s okay to feel anxious when speaking to new people or a lot of people when you’re not used to it. A great way to overcome it is to act like you’re confident; by doing this, you might start feeling confident as the conversation progresses, and you’ll also come off as being confident to the people you are talking to.
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Tips on how to start a conversation with someone
Ask open-ended questions
Asking open-ended questions is a great way to get someone to open up to you and prevents the conversation from going stale.
Examples of open-ended questions could be ‘What did you think of …?’ or ‘How are you finding the event?’ or ‘What have you been up to this week?’ instead of close-ended questions like ‘How are you?’ or ‘Did you like that?’ These types of questions invite one-worded or few-worded responses that don’t go further, and shouldn’t be used in the entirety of your conversation.
Instead, use close-ended questions to follow up with open-ended ones. Here’s a few ways you can do this:
‘How are you?’ to ‘What have you been up to recently?’
‘Did you see that new documentary?’ to ‘What did you think of it?’
‘How’s work? to ‘do you enjoy your work?’
‘How’s your family?’ to ‘have you seen them recently? What are they up to?’
When approaching someone knew, you can also start a conversation by talking to them about the event.
Whether it’s a work event, family or social gathering, some conversation starters include starting off with a shared experience especially if you’re entering a group conversation. It could be something like ‘I’ve also done that too, how did you find it?’ or complimenting someone and asking a follow up question from that (e.g. ‘I love your bag, where did you get it from? Does it last? Does it fit everything you need?’) or simply asking for help to break the ice (‘Can you show me where this is?… or ‘How do you do this?’) and then starting a conversation from that initial interaction.
Body language
Have positive body language – even if you’re not in the centre of the room, be open and inviting when someone does speak to you. Keep eye contact and show interest in the other person and of all things, please do not use your phone when someone is speaking to you. It’s just rude. (can you tell I’ve had this happen to me….)
Be a good listener
Another key part of how to start a conversation is to be good at the receiving end too. Actively listento the other person and make them feel that you are engaged in the conversation. Share your thoughts with them but be open to different opinions, not everyone has to think like you and that’s okay! In fact, that’s a great opportunity to learn about different perspectives.
If you find it hard to politely disagree with a point, the best thing to do is to first acknowledge their point, then use a bridge to state your point. An example would be ‘I see where you’re coming from, I personally think….’
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Leave the conversation if it’s going nowhere…
If the conversation veers left and the both of you are finding it hard to hold the conversation, don’t feel bad if you have to step away. There are so many people with different interests, hobbies and opinions so don’t feel the need to force yourself if you’re not vibing with the other person.
Remember, this is supposed to be fun! So if the conversation is slightly dry or not something you’re into, politely excuse yourself and speak to someone else. Or if you’re in a group convo, slowly drift away like an evaporating cloud and find someone else to talk to.
Aboveall, when learning how to start a conversation with someone whether they are someone new or not, is to have fun. You’re most likely to find at least someone you get along with but even on the ocassion that you don’t, it’s fine!
Be open, excited and most importantly, yourself! Make sure the conversation serves you as much as it serves the other person. If you’re not interested in the conversation or it goes against your principles (i.e. gossiping and talking bad about others), simply speak to someone else!
Trial & Test
When approaching new people, take it as a kind of trial and test process. You’re testing out the waters and then when you find someone that actually clicks with you, the conversation will be flawless.
Similarly, even if you try to start a conversation with someone and they flat out ignore you, don’t take it too seriously. They might not have heard you or they might just be weird – either way that doesn’t say anything about your character. Just move onto the next person, and see how it goes.
By the way, awkward silences also doesn’t mean all your efforts have failed. It could be that the topic you are talking about has come to a natural close, or it might even be because the other person you are talking to is nervous too! Simply, divert the conversation to a different topic.
Adjust your tone
Knowing how to start a conversation involves being able to change your tone based on the environment. You wouldn’t talk to your manager the way you’d talk to your friend, would you? Even if you have a comfortable relationship with your manager, there’s still boundaries that you can’t cross. In this case, it might be good to prepare a few conversation topics beforehand based on the different environments.
Follow up with people you get along with by sharing your social media handles and planning to meet up again. The next time you meet, the conversation will get easier as you discover more interesting things about each other.
Have a goal
As well as this, have a goal you want to reach from the conversation. If it’s a networking event at work, your goal would probably be to create connections for your work. If it’s a family gathering, it would probably be to catch up with family you haven’t seen in a while. If it’s friends, the goal is probably to have as much fun as possible.
I personally love conversating with people who have very different life experiences to me. I enjoy learning about their lives, their experiences, lessons they learned and taking advice from them.
Obviously, this ‘goal’ doesn’t need to be anything serious, just something casual to think about especially for those who find it hard to start a conversation as it gives you a purpose to keep trying.
Key Points – How to start a conversation when you don’t know anyone
- Positive affirmations are a great way to hype yourself up before the event. Remind yourself that you are confident in your opinions and you have unique perspectives too.
- Having conversation topics prepared beforehand will help you know how to start a conversation as you’ll already have ideas ready to talk about.
- Going to specific events that are related to things you are interested in will make it easier for you to start a conversation.
- Likewise, challenge yourself by putting yourself in uncomfortable conversations. This will boost your confidence and make discomfort feel less and less… uncomfortable.
- It’s okay to feel anxious when speaking to new people or a lot of people when you’re not used to it. A great way to overcome it is to act like you’re confident; by doing this, you might start feeling confident as the conversation progresses, and you’ll also come off as being confident to the people you are talking to.
- Asking open-ended questions is a great way to get someone to open up to you and prevents the conversation from going stale.
- Have positive body language – even if you’re not in the centre of the room, be open and inviting when someone does speak to you.
- Another key part of how to start a conversation is to be good at the receiving end too.
- If the conversation veers left and the both of you are finding it hard to hold the conversation, don’t feel bad if you have to step away.
- When approaching new people, take it as a kind of trial and test process. You’re testing out the waters and then when you find someone that actually clicks with you, the conversation will be flawless.
- Knowing how to start a conversation involves being able to change your tone based on the environment.
- As well as this, have a goal you want to reach from the conversation.
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